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To oncology care providers: you matter. You change the lives of people, many of whom have limited time left on earth.

Grace. That’s my word for this year, this season. Grace. It’s a word that I thought I knew the meaning of, but only knew the surface of before this season. Grace, I’ve found, gives me strength. Grace, I’ve found, provides joy. Grace, I’ve found, makes me brave. Grace is a firm foundation I can stand on. This season has been one of rocky, wavy, stormy waters. It has been one of trial after trial after trial. And it has been one where multiple times I’ve had no idea how I could

If you ask any of us who feel called to the oncology field, we simply answer, "I was made to do this."

As a nurse, there are weeks of work where I don’t sit longer than to quickly shove down my lunch down and to speedily chart. There are times I end a day with my legs aching and barely the strength lift  open my eyes and all I can think is “my brain hurts.” But even in those moments, I can sit and say I love what I do. I didn’t choose it because it was easy, I chose it because I care. I’ve written about my job often, about how it isn’t easy and why I love it. This isn’t anythi

Recently I was talking with someone who doesn’t know me very well and they asked if I see myself in oncology nursing for the rest of my career. I answered honestly – I can’t imagine my career without working with cancer patients in some way, shape, or form. I truly do love what I do. Even when the world seems to be crashing, I can’t catch up, my feet ache, my brain hurts, I’m sobbing over exhaustion, or I’m sobbing over grief. I was made to do this. I’m not exactly sure when

The patient walked into the clinic for fluids. It had been a few months since I had that feeling in my gut. Any nurse can tell you about that feeling. It is this awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. It comes even when there is nothing clearly telling you why it is there. You just know you need to keep a close eye on that patient. So you do. You keep watching for something to indicate why your gut alarm has gone off. One of my nursing professors told me that the gut feeli

It was just a short three years ago that I experienced it for the first time, and I was one and a half months into my nursing career. Since I was still on orientation, I was lucky enough to have Thanksgiving off. I did however work that Wednesday prior. As I wrapped up my shift at the end of the day,  I noticed the sullen, quiet lull that took over the halls of the hospital. Everyone who could be discharged, was. Patients who were still in the hospital were there for one of t

I’m presently watching the 60 Minutes special on Ebola, listening to nurses who took care of Thomas Duncan and hearing about their experiences caring for the first patient diagnosed with the Ebola virus in the United States. It’s hitting really close to home. As a nurse, I have had many friends ask me, “would you take care of the patient if they were in your hospital?” Currently I don’t work in a hospital and am an oncology nurse (always have been), which means that even in t

It was my last day at the job I’ve been at for the last year and a half today. It was a tough decision to leave, but I am so incredibly at peace about the decision it is kind of scary. But I’m sitting here tonight reflecting on all this job brought me. It brought me so much that I have to be thankful for, my heart is overwhelmed. I leave knowing I am leaving incredible coworkers behind, but that I will get to continue to have them as friends. I leave reflecting on all the pat

Dear Cancer Patient, Thank you. Thank you for teaching me about living. Truly living. Thank you for teaching me what it means to look forward even when a storm is chasing you from behind. Thank you for showing me what it means to “fight like hell” as the ABC Family show “Chasing Life” says. Thank you for showing me what sweet surrender means.  Just thank you. The reason I do what I do is because of each of you.  Because your thank yous, your hugs, because of your fight and yo

It is not even noon on Monday and the other nurse and I have already managed to send 4 people to the emergency room and 2 for other assessments and testing… and probable hospital admissions. #manicmonday There is no other explanation for it. Our phone lines are blowing up and every patient walking through the door seems to have a whole slew of problems. It is like every sentence coming out of their mouths is one of those statements that you are taught in school to immediately

In the last week I have dropped more money on doctors appointments and prescriptions than the last 3 years combined. I always go to a yearly physical and dermatology appointment (and you should too), but this year there was much more going on. I have had migraines, asthma, and IBS for years, and recently they have gotten out of hand. No longer was my albuterol inhaler only needed once every couple of weeks, but it was being used daily. No longer was ibuprofen taking care of m

I am an oncology nurse. Saying goodbye and grief comes with the job. However, no matter how accustomed I am to this, it is never easy. And no matter how experienced I get with this there are patients who will always leave such a mark on my life that saying goodbye to them will be like losing a part of myself. Today, I said goodbye to one of those patients. **details have been changed and left out to respect the identity of this patient** I first met this patient last summer.

I’m a cancer nurse… which means I can sense sepsis coming from miles away and can smell an infection long before the signs and symptoms occur. I can’t remember all my patients who have gone septic, but I can remember my first one and always will. I was in my final weeks of nursing school and enjoying my last few times of just being a quick train ride away from NYC. I was about 5 minutes away from walking out my door to the train station just a few blocks away to ride into NYC

Dear Young Adult Cancer Patient, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but you have captured my heart. Through my 2.5 years of nursing you have taught me far more than I could ever imagine. You have wisdom beyond your years and truly know what it means to live. I remember the first time I saw an age younger than mine in the chart, it was a harsh reality. Despite being young, vibrant, and healthy you were still diagnosed with cancer. You weren’t even a smoker and you had lung can

This Sunday morning ended my year and a half of being on and off night shift.  I can’t say I’m sad to see it go, but I am incredibly thankful for the things it allowed me to learn.  Until the night shift, I would consistently go to bed at one time and wake up at pretty much the exact same time every day.  Before I worked night shift I had only slept past 1030 AM a very few times in my life.  Until I worked night shift I did not realize how incredibly hard it is to stay health