I tried to start writing this blog on October 1st. I wasn't ready yet. I'm not sure I still am. But I'm going to try.
October is a month that represents a lot of causes and awareness raising. Previous years, being an oncology nurse, breast cancer awareness was something I focused on heavily. This year, in April, my husband and I joined a different club. September we were impacted by it again. A club I didn't ask to join. None of us in it did. Pregnancy Loss (known as pregnancy and infant loss month).
Take Every Day As it Comes
Infertility. Unexplained infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. IUI. Clomid. Trigger Shot. Monitoring labs. Internal Ultrasound. Provera.
A year ago the above words I had heard of, but they didn't trigger anything in my life. They didn't trigger any emotions. Today, they are my day in and day out life.
I was listening to the radio Saturday and someone said something that went like this "with each season of life, your lens focuses more on certain things and less on other things". How true that is. This is a season where I am also acutely aware of what my lens is focusing on.
And I truly have to take every day as it comes. My body, my medical team, and science are calling the shots - literally and figuratively.
I went to a new hair stylist Saturday. I was explaining what was going on with my hair. I can now talk about the things going on without breaking down, at least most of the time. But the compassion of this young 22 year old, I broke down. Explaining between all the hormonal changes and 2 pregnancy losses, my hair just keeps changing and falling out and growing and falling out and growing and I'm not quite sure what else it's doing. But gosh - I don't recognize my self or my hair.
She then took the next 4 hours taking care of me. Making my hair look the best its looked in a while due to all the changes. We talked and got to know each other. And she didn't make me feel bad at all for breaking down. She held a space for me to be, while she gave me something that resembled the girl I knew before infertility and RPL in my hair. It sounds strange, but I think when your body, heart, and soul have been through so much, you grasp anything that seems remotely familar.
Moment by Moment
The thing I've read most often, and now also found true, is with pregnancy loss and RPL, you're not quite sure how you'll feel moment by moment. In fact, in the same moment you can feel happy and hopeful about the future, while also sad that you never got to meet your child or children. I can be sitting there working away at work and focused, and something will hit me.
I'm not sure the phrase it get's easier is an accurate statement. It's never easy. I also read, for people who do have living children, it doesn't take away the pain from the ones you've lost or long for. I would say, it's more that you get acclimated to it being in your everyday life and every day moments. The thoughts, the longing, the knowing someone or someones are missing.
But there are also some of the strangest things that give you comfort. Like the thought of grandparents getting to meet your babies and rock and love on them even when you can't. Or the special patients who are on their way home to heaven getting to meet them. It's this weird and strange hope in some of the deepest and darkest places. I'm honestly not certain any of this is accurate, but I choose to think it is - because of the peace, hope, and comfort it brings me.
Eyes Forward - Heart Open
I was in TJ Maxx the other weekend and in the aisle of temptation (aka the check-out line), this sign sat staring at me. Eyes Forward Heart Open. I got it. It now hangs next to our front door.
We got the news this morning that with our next cycle we will likely be trying again, unless something goes haywire.
That cycle could start any day now.
While my eyes are forward, they aren't forgetting the past. They can't. But I choose to believe that the little ones we never got to meet would want us to keep trying. To keep our eyes forward, and most importantly, our hearts open.
So we've every day chosen to talk through, walk through, work through it all. The pain, the grief, the questions, the uncertainty, the fear, the anger. Because it's hard. Really, really, really hard.
Some days are better. Some days are harder. Some moments I feel almost myself again. Other moments, I wonder if I'll ever resemble myself before infertility and pregnancy loss.
So I write this today, to relate to others who have been here. Also to open up to others who haven't been through this. I write this today as a place to remember this moment in this journey. Because this is our story. This is our journey.
Eyes Forward - Heart Open