This is Hard
I'm really not sure what I'm going to write about - except that infertility and recurrent loss is hard. Really, really hard. There are moments I feel like I can keep going and then moments like last night, where I wonder how long I can go on like this.
26 months.
26 long months. But who's counting? I wasn't, not at first. But now I am. 26 months since we started our journey towards parenthood. 26 months ago I wasn't worried about with each day I have dying eggs. 12 months of it were filled with lack of worry and hope. By month 15 we had had a loss and then were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And since then it has been nothing but a roller coaster ride.
Loss
By now 26 months in, we've lost 2 pregnancies, 3 IUIs (2 of which did not equal pregnancy), 2 unsuccessful embryo transfers, and 3 embryos lost to abnormal genetics.
Loss.
It seems like every corner we turn is just encased with loss. Loss of hope, faith, joy.
Loss.
Grief.
With loss comes grief. Grief of what was lost. Grief of what could have been.
Grief.
Anger.
It's hard to understand why something that comes so easy for so many is so hard for us. Anger.
Fear.
With each step that doesn't go right, the fear grows. It's hard to hold onto hope in the midst of it.
Fear.
It's interesting how much your emotions can change one moment to the next. You have good days and you have bad days. You have good moments and then bad moments. And sometimes, all at once you have both hope and fear. Anger and happiness. Grief and Joy. The feeling of loss and the feeling of gain.
I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through it can truly understand the depth and expanse of emotions one can feel.
But this I do know. I know we have a dream and I know we're not done yet. So on the hardest of days even those filled with anxiety like today - I pick up my head and I work through it. As my husband reminded me, the body's memory doesn't know the difference between this situation or the last one that was similar - it only remembers it's response. So I'm working one step at a time through the tough emotions. And embracing the truth that-
Even if not, He is still good.
So to my fellow infertility warriors out there who got out of bed and faced the fears and anxieties today - I see you, I am you.
To anyone else fighting their own battle that involves the chaos and pain - know I see you.
And know that as we learn to work through our anxieties one day at a time, we are helping to make the world just a little braver.