2021
2022, here we are. 2021 started off with hope. The vaccine was here, we were starting the home buying process, we were getting more and more into actively trying for a family, and Jared was doing well at school. It was filled with hope for the year and what was to come.
I look at who I was a year ago today and I see someone innocent and full of hope. No idea of the battles that she was to face over the next 365 days. No idea that the last day of the year of 2021 was the day she and Jared were supposed to become parents, but that was ripped away almost as quickly as the hope came and a continual uphill battle from there.
It's been a year.
I feel beaten, bruised, and weary. Not just emotionally, but spiritually and physically as well. In the last 9 months I have lived through a post-partum body without a baby not once, but twice. We have been through 3 IUIs and now an IVF retrieval and failed transfer. I have a sharps box overflowing with another container full of the waste of the more than I count shots that have gone in me. This doesn't include the countless pills I've taken on top of the injections. For someone who has never taken much beyond a daily zyrtec, it's been exhausting and trying on my body. And there are more to come.
It's been a year.
As a healthcare leader and nurse, I ended the year looking the reality in the face. We are in so many ways right back where we were spring of 2020. We are back to no visitors. And my heart breaks, more than ever for our cancer patients - because I more than ever get what they are going through. Shortly after I got the e-mail from my network. My fertility clinic's e-mail came. Jared won't be able to be with me during our next IVF steps. He got angry, because that is the one thing he feels he can do through this whole process is be there for me. I got sad and honestly, a little scared. I take forever to wake up after being put under and when I do wake up I cry.
It's been a year.
Healing
My word for the year was healing. I'm not sure I understand it, because in so many ways, I feel more wounded and raw more than ever before. 2021 definitely does not feel healing.
Thankful
While I can't understand the healing part of my year, at least not yet. I'm choosing to focus on the thankful parts. And amidst the pain and hurt and chaos there was still so much to be thankful for.
Through the first pregnancy loss my husband took care of things and sat with me when I needed someone to just be there. Our family and friends and small groups surrounded us with love from both near and far and didn't run away from the yuck. They've stayed true walking alongside us.
Thankful
The ever present comfort dog Bayli continued her journey of walking beside us. Willing to cuddle, be present, and give comic relief whenever needed. As our friend Beth says, she was my angel dog that came during a very tough time and has stayed true since then.
Thankful
Through the first loss, it lead us to being paired with Dr. Hobeika. One of the most kind, compassionate, and knowledgeable physicians I have ever met. Through every step of the way, good and bad, he has been there. Giving his honest, yet kind and compassionate knowledge and support. He's also taken the time to personally get to know both Jared and I, and that shows as he helps to guide us along our journey.
Thankful
I randomly chose a therapist two years ago. Lydia has been a rock through this year. She has spent time trying to better understand what I am going through. She's allowed me to walk through all the pain and anger and gently guided and prompted along the way.
Thankful
Through researching we found our wonderful realtor Justin. He did an incredible job helping us find our first home and helped us in a crazy market get a great deal. Through the pain of the fall, I'm thankful for the comforting walls of our own home. Recently in talking with a friend who is on her own journey with fertility issues, she simply stated "at least we get to walk through this in our own homes". The truth to that it so incredibly deep. There is comfort in these walls.
Thankful
This fall during our second pregnancy loss, my three directors (it's complicated) made it clear that they would cover whatever needed to be done - my priority was my health and my family. So while I sat for 5 days in the grief storm and physical pain that was the second chance at being parents ripped from us, they handled everything at work along with my two leads.
Thankful
We rounded out the end of 2021 with our first IVF cycle. I plan to write about that soon, but don't feel quite ready yet. In many ways I'm still digesting the whirlwind we just traveled through over the last month and a half. Every step of the way we felt support. Every step of the way my husband took care of what needed to be taken care of while my body went through all sorts of crazy things. As we entered IVF, I also started acupuncture. Just in the nick of time, Karissa came back from maternity leave. Her compassion, knowledge, and kindness have been an incredible gift on this journey.
Thankful
Through this year, with sharing our story some of our closest and dearest friends have shared their stories in return. While I hate so many of those close to us are walking or have walked this path, I am eternally grateful to have them walk alongside. To have people who can listen and know because they've been in similar places to where you are or have been, is a gift. A gift I wish in ways I didn't have, but a gift I will forever cherish.
Thankful
Through this journey, I have learned my limits. Limits I used to ignore. I've learned more than ever when to say I just can't. I've learned that people are still going to love me, even if I can't give them everything. I've learned that the people who truly care, will still be there, even when you can't be. I've learned it's ok to not try to be everything to everyone. I've learned what it is like to have to let my husband take care of things that I normally would, including taking care of me. I've learned that even when I can't go at 100 mph, people will still love and accept me. I've learned that my faith can be absolutely shaken to the point that I am screaming at God, and that it doesn't ruin my faith but rather makes it stronger. I've also learned that sometimes, no matter how hard you try at something, it still doesn't happen.
I've learned that one of the biggest blessings you can have, is people who are willing to sit in the yuck with you. Who don't run when things get messy. I've learned just how strong our marriage really is - as my husband ran towards the yuck and messy and picked me up through it.
Healing
And through all the above - I guess - I've found healing in a year that only felt like a bruised and beaten year.
Hope
As I said, I don't know what the word is for 2022 yet. In some ways, maybe I'm afraid to figure that out. Afraid what it may bring.
I rounded out the year, walking into Trader Joe's and looked over to see these fun little pineapple plants. Pineapple has become the symbol of hope for infertility/IVF. So I picked up one for us and one for a close couple friend walking their own fertility battle. And as we step into the new year, I don't expect miracles, but I'm sure hoping for them
